John Sheppard's ABCs
by Pocus
Summary: What better way to make a sick friend feel better than to alphabetize all his past injuries.


Disclaimer: I don't own anything of these characters, although I do love to borrow them upon occasion. Other people make money off of them, I don't.

A/N: There are a few spoilers in here because it is about some of Sheppard's injuries. They are mixed in with some made up injuries so if you don't recognize it then maybe it didn't happen or maybe you didn't see it yet. Nothing gives away plots though.

It had been a quiet day in the Atlantis infirmary. Only a few drop-ins: one nasty splinter, a twisted elbow, and a bad case of eczema. There were only two patients admitted to care at this time. Cecelia Forester, one of the astronomers, was recuperating from an appendectomy. Her operation had gone smoothly and her recovery was progressing nicely. She was expected to be released to convalesce in her quarters in a day or two.

The other patient was not so lucky. He was going to be stuck in the infirmary for at least one week, probably longer. Things never seemed to go easy for John Sheppard. A long, nasty gash in one shoulder, a twisted knee, a rather large bruise that almost covered his entire right side and a bad case of the Pegasus Galaxy's version of Poison Ivy all combined to make his current condition miserable.

The worst part of all it was the Poison Ivy. He was covered head to toe in it. Dr. Beckett was working closely with the botanists to figure out a cure for it. It was not reacting positively to any of the common cures for skin ailments. In fact, one round of creams had inflamed Sheppard's skin so badly it had been necessary to sedate him and give him a bath to cleanse it off.

Elizabeth had been by to visit him a few hours earlier and all he did was try to get her to scratch his back with his I V pole. She finally left when he stopped talking to her and started using the fork from his lunch tray to scratch his legs.

Carson stopped by on his way off duty. "How are we feeling tonight Colonel?"

"Fine!" An uncomfortable Sheppard is a grumpy Sheppard. With his eyebrows almost touching each other, he practically growled at Carson, "Can't you find something to stop this itching? I'm going crazy!"

Carson gave a long, level look to Sheppard. "Son, if you don't stop scratching yourself with anything and everything you get your hands on, I will need to restrain you. I've already bandaged your hands to keep you from scratching. Now stop tearing your skin up before you cause an infection!"

Sheppard glanced down guiltily at his bandaged hand holding the fork. "Ok, I'll try." Placing the fork on his bedside table, he gave Carson a look that usually worked on those of the female persuasion when he wanted something. "You're going to the botany lab now to figure this out, right?"

"Actually, I am going to dinner then a movie. They are showing a marathon of Three Stooges movies. I don't want to miss that." Carson's eyes lit up in anticipation of a good laugh. It wasn't often he was able to indulge in the movie marathons.

"I will make sure that Cherie gives you a cool sponge off after dinner. That seems to help a little." Carson made a note on Sheppard's chart then placed it out of the Colonel's reach in case he wanted to use it to scratch with. "We have a new ointment in the works that looks very promising. It just needs some time before it is ready.

So, for now, my recommendation to you is to eat a good dinner, then enjoy your sponge off. After that, maybe watch a movie. There are some DVDs and a laptop there for you. It might help you feel better if you stop thinking about the itching." He turned to leave.

"I already watched all those movies—twice as a matter of fact! It didn't help the first time." Sheppard crossed his arms on his chest and tried to scoot down in the bed. It wasn't easy with his sore side and knee.

Carson stopped in his tracks and turned to look at the grumpy soldier. "Would you prefer that I sedate you?" he asked sweetly.

"NO!" Sheppard sat up straighter and reached for the laptop. "Maybe a little Monty Python will take my mind off my problems."

Carson gave him a big grin and turned to go again.

"Hey doc, if you see any of my team, tell them a visit wouldn't hurt me!"

"I will do that Colonel! Now stop scratching!" He gave a wave and continued on his way, making a brief stop at Cecelia's bed to check on her.

Sheppard stopped scratching under his arm and pushed the laptop to the side of the bed. He stretched out for his watch on the bedside table. It felt very strange to not be wearing it. Since most of his body was covered with raised, red pinpricks of pure misery, he had to settle for keeping it within reach, along with his black wristband. At least his face only had a few patches on it.

About 15 minutes before dinner would be brought in.

He looked around for something to do.

Cecelia had gone back to the book she had been engrossed in before Carson stopped to check on her. She had been reading it all day. It was some huge textbook about stars. He knew because he had made a trip over to visit her earlier and she had used the corner of it to scratch his lower back for him. The whole time she scratched, she went on about how fascinating Black Holes were. Sheppard had no clue there had been such a big controversy over the whether or not they existed. He did now!

Absently scratching his shoulder under the bandage, he wondered how the hell he got himself into these situations. Another simple trip off-world for a "Meet and Greet" had gone horribly wrong. He was thinking seriously about creating a special team just to find out all the traditions, habits, and, most importantly, what each new culture considered offensive.

He could not believe that a simple farming community would find it offensive to wear short sleeves. The team had gone in wearing jackets, but as the day progressed it had gotten warmer. Sheppard was the first to decide to take off his jacket and the uproar that ensued would have been comical, except for the men waving pitchforks and screaming women covering their eyes. What did these people do when they got hot? Pass out from heat stroke probably.

As Sheppard pondered and scratched he became aware of loud voices coming down the hall. He heard Rodney complaining about being late for dinner, but he couldn't make out the words in the low growl that silenced Rodney for a heartbeat or two.

The first person to enter the infirmary was Teyla. She had a tray of food in her hands and a large smile plastered on her face. She seemed to be gritting her teeth just a bit. Rodney and Ronon were right behind her, arguing.

"Good evening John. We have brought you some dinner." She placed the tray on the movable table next to his bed and slid it closer to him.

Sheppard had to smile at his team, his family. They were such a crazy mix of personalities.

Rodney was the mouthy, know-it-all brother. He was also a drama "queen". Everything was exaggerated. You never knew when to believe him, but you could always trust him and depend on him.

Ronon was the quiet, independent brother. He was ready to make his own path in the world. You could count on him to do what needed to be done, no matter how unpleasant it was. Ronon was practical and pessimistic. There was no one else in the galaxy that Sheppard would prefer to have at his side in a fight.

Then there was Teyla. She was the steadfast, even-tempered sister. She took care of all her "boys" and mediated their squabbles. She put up with all of their moods and personalities, rarely complaining. She knew how to get each member of the team to do exactly what they needed to do, even when they did not want to.

"What's going on guys? Little noisy coming in here."

"He-Man here just had to finish playing with his little knife before we went to get some food. By the time we got there, all the good food was gone."

Ronon, arms crossed, stood behind Rodney and rolled his eyes. "That little knife has saved your life a few times."

"But did you have to pick today, right at dinner, to play with it? You knew we were going to surprise Sheppard with dinner and needed to get to the cafeteria early. I just hope that chicken I ate didn't have lemon on it. My throat feels funny."

"It needed to be cleaned."

Teyla turned to the two men and tilted her head to one side. "Can we continue this conversation later please? We are here to help John keep his mind off his discomfort."

She turned back to Sheppard, who was looking over his food choices. There was a turkey sandwich, soup, chips, an apple and some Jell-o. No chicken though.

"How are you feeling this evening?"

"Pretty good if this itching would ever stop."

He picked up the spoon they brought him and looked at his dinner again. "They run out of clean forks and knives in the mess?" He raised a questioning eyebrow at Teyla.

Teyla and Ronon exchanged a glance before Teyla answered him. "I spoke to Elizabeth this afternoon and she said you were using a fork for reasons other than eating. She thought it wise that we pick a selection of food that would not require any sharp utensils."

"What, you don't want your Jell-o? I love the blue stuff. I'll take it." Rodney reached for the treat, but Sheppard poked his hand with the spoon.

"Back off McKay! I'll let you know when I'm finished." Sheppard picked up his Jell-o, tilted his head back and dumped the whole container into his mouth.

"Oh very nice. Great look for you. Hope you don't choke. I'm not going to give you mouth to mouth."

Rodney flopped down in the chair that was next to the bed while Teyla made herself comfortable at the foot of the bed. Ronon leaned on the bed next to Sheppard's.

"Well, here we are again, gathered around our wounded leader. At least this time you aren't at death's door. Just covered in what we hope is not a contagious, icky rash. Leave it to you to find the only patch of poisonous grass on the planet to fall on."

With a mouth full of food "What do mean by that McKay? That grass was all over the place. You guys still had your jackets on or you'd be here too!"

"And that's another thing. What ever possessed you to take you jacket off? Trying to show off those biceps to a bunch of farm girls, hmmm?"

"John," Teyla smoothly stepped in, "Ronon and I have been thinking about using the next few days to help train the new marines that just arrived on the Daedalus. Would that be alright with you? Is there anything else you need us to do?"

While continuing to glare at Rodney, Sheppard nodded his head. "That would be great! You and Ronon can give them a thorough self-defense lesson for this galaxy."

"Maybe you should go over the basics again with Conan and Xena" chuckled Rodney.

"What is up with you Rodney? Something on your mind?"

"Nothing, nothing at all! We just seem to end up sitting in this infirmary a lot. We are either waiting for word on if you are going to live or trying to keep your mind off your injuries. Some of us have things to do in other parts of this city you know."

"Then why are you here if you don't want to be?" Sheppard slammed his sandwich back down on the tray so hard it bounced into his tomato soup. "And for your information I haven't been here for at least 3 weeks. As a matter of fact, I am not in here all that much."

"Oh come off it! You have been injured in so many ways you could write your own book!"

"Have not!"

"Have too!"

Teyla stood up and walked between the two bickering men. She put her hand on Sheppard's arm to calm him and looked at the irritated Doctor. "Rodney, it was your idea to bring John his dinner. Why are you so upset about being here?"

Rodney sat up straight and put his head in his hands. "I know, I know! I'm just …"

"…being you" Ronon finished for him.

"Oh funny, funny. Let's make fun of the distraught guy." He got up to leave. "I'll just let you guys make Sheppard feel better. I've got a diagnostic to check on."

"Sit down Rodney." John put out a hand to grab Rodney's sleeve. "What's on your mind?"

Rodney stopped walking and looked at the hand on his sleeve. "Great, now I might get the creeping crud rash!" He grabbed a napkin off of Sheppard's tray and wiped his sleeve off. Sheppard just rolled his eyes at Teyla. With a small smile, she turned Rodney around and guided him towards the chair he had just vacated.

"It's just a little stressful to have one of your best friends always getting hurt. It's not like I have that many friends that I can afford to… lose one."

Sheppard looked at Ronon and Teyla. All three were astounded by the uncharacteristic openness of the normally acerbic man. What had brought this on? Sheppard certainly had not been in mortal danger this time. He was extremely uncomfortable, but no where near death.

"Rodney what are you thinking? I'm fine! Just a little itchy."

Thinking of that seemed to start a whole new round of irritation in his skin. The soles of his feet began to burn with the need to be scratched. Sheppard started to rub them along the footboard. Of course the movement caused his sore knee to grab and he let out an involuntary "Ouch!"

"You definitely could write a book about getting hurt. You name, you've done it, had it, or caused it. Maybe you could call it The ABCs of Injuries." Rodney smirked at his own thoughts.

"No way. I couldn't fill up an index card with injuries." Sheppard began to scratch his neck until Teyla gently guided his bandaged hand back to his tray.

"Perhaps you should finish your meal," she gently reminded him.

Ronon had been looking thoughtful. "You know Sheppard you have done lots of damage to yourself in the time I've known you. I bet you could make an impressive list of injuries. Your alphabet has …what …26 letters? Why don't we start at the beginning?"

"That would be A," Rodney grinned, rubbing his hands together gleefully. "Let's see he was almost asphyxiated when all the air was sucked out of the hangar on the Daedalus."

"Almost doesn't count and besides, you were there for that too." Sheppard was looking decidedly grumpy now. "I thought you were here to cheer me up?"

"Does an alien mind probe count then? Oh, and right now you are having an allergic reaction to a plant.

Next up is B. That's easy! B for bruises, broken bones, blistered skin, and a big bug attached to your neck."

Teyla looked nervous. "I don't think John likes to be reminded of the bug." She glanced at Sheppard as he winced at the mention of the Iratus Bug. She knew he hated that memory.

"Ok, we will move on then. C is for concussion, cuts aplenty, coma, chest wound, and cramps from that bad flu you had last month."

Ronon grinned. "You forgot the cold he had when we met Lucius. That turned out to be a good thing though."

"Oh good one. I did forget that." Rodney was starting to really get into this. He grabbed another napkin and began writing the alphabet down, making notes next to each letter.

"On to D then. Let's see, darts in the arm, drugged by said darts, dizziness, you almost drowned once or twice."

"I said almost doesn't count. Look, let's stop this. It's not cheering me up."

"Well, 'Mr. I Am Always Fine', how about the time you did die. We had to defibrillate you to bring you back."

"That was during the bug incident that Teyla just reminded you that I don't like to be reminded of! Besides that was how I died in the first place."

Sheppard pushed his dinner tray away from him and crossed his arms over his chest. He was looking very pouty.

"Oh, so it was. Sorry!" Rodney truly did look sorry that he had reminded his friend of such a horrific incident in his life.

"What letter is next?" Ronon asked. He had jumped all the way up onto the bed he had been leaning on and was now leaning an arm on an upraised knee. Teyla gave him a warning look that he completely ignored while looking at the napkin in McKay's hand. "Is that an E?"

"Yes, it is. You have been studying!" Rodney looked perplexed. "That's a toughie. I can't think of anything that starts with it." He snapped his fingers in the air. "Ah, I got it, eardrums were ruptured."

"Yours were too," Sheppard reminded him. He smiled at the memory of some of the insults he had tossed Rodney's way when neither one of them could hear.

"Moving on now, F is next on the list. Another easy one. F is for fever, falling, and, oh yes and there is fainting." He gave Sheppard a smug look.

"I never faint! I pass out with style."

Teyla had long since given up on trying to stop Rodney and now that Sheppard was joining in, she relaxed somewhat and resumed her place at the foot of the bed. She picked up the apple since he had not touched it and began to peel it with the little knife she always kept on her.

"G is another easy one. There is gunshot wound, that gash you have on your arm right now…"

Sheppard held up his hand. "Hold on. You already said cuts. You can't use different names for the same injuries."

"A gash and a cut are different my friend. A gash is a long cut. A cut can be any small penetration of your skin. Moving on now. Next is H. Head wounds are in a league of their own and hypothermia from swimming in cold water, hallucinations from a Wraith device and a harpooning by Kolya."

Ronon looked confused. "What's that hypo one?"

"It is extremely low body temperature and I have never had it." Sheppard looked accusingly at Rodney. "Let's not list things that I haven't done yet."

"You haven't been hypothermic? Humph, I thought you had. Oh well. Let's continue shall we. I is next. That would be impaled by an arrow, intubated for breathing, imprisoned and infected. Whew, that was a long one."

"The arrow was me, not Sheppard."

"Yeah, what he said. Despite what you believe, I am not the only one in this group who gets hurt."

"Okay fine! No arrow for Sheppard, yet! We can work on Ronon's book later."

Teyla offered Sheppard a piece of apple she had cut. He took it absently and began to munch on it. She looked around at her team. They were three of the bravest men she had ever met.

Ronon had stretched out on the bed now, propped up on one elbow, looking at the list Rodney was compiling. The Satedan was the strongest man she had ever encountered. His strength was not only physical it was mental as well. He had lost everything yet he still fought on alone for seven years to live.

Rodney was sitting on the edge of his seat, writing furiously on yet another napkin. She could practically see sparks flying as his amazing mind worked on remembering all the things his friend had gone through in the last few years. Most people did not perceive of Rodney as a brave man, but she knew differently. She had seen him put himself in harm's way to save his friends, his colleagues and his city.

Sheppard seemed more relaxed now. He was leaning back into his pillows and his bandaged hands were still on the blankets. He had not scratched anything for at least 3 minutes. That was a great improvement.

"Jaundiced is one for J" Rodney continued with the alphabet. "You looked quite disgusting as a yellow golem. Hope you don't get that infection again."

K is a knife wound and that mysterious knee injury you had after the prison planet. You never did tell us how that happened. No one remembers seeing you fall or get hit."

Sheppard gave a little grimace. "Some things are better left unsaid. Move on if you must. I can't think of anything for L. You can't use lacerations because you already said cuts and gashes."

"Oh but there is lost, which you have gotten us many times. Let's also not forget lovesick over Ascended Women and what is up with your lips. I think you need a case of chapstick to take care of those dry lips of yours."

Ronon snickered, but quickly covered it with a cough when a glare was aimed his way.

"Funny! M!"

Rodney looked thoughtful for a moment. "Hmm, mangled, massive, no those are just descriptions not real injuries."

"Mind controlled by a Wraith would cover it" Sheppard said quietly.

"Ah, um, yes it would. Let's go on to N then. Neck injury, nearly dead a few times, nosebleeds, and that lovely case of Nits you picked up on M25-A66. You just had to share it with me. Head lice are one of many things I had hoped to never have in my life."

"Well, if I hadn't needed to carry you out of there because you twisted your ankle backing out of the hut, my head wouldn't have been that close to yours. I couldn't leave that sick little girl alone and that family volunteered to take her in. I didn't know she had pets in her hair."

Ronon gave a little shake. "Good thing I didn't get any. I hate getting rid of those things."

"Ok, enough with the bug talk. We are on O now and I know you have been Oxygen deprived, you and Ronon both. I was safely in my suit trying not to be sucked into space and save your butts at the same time."

Hearing a familiar voice at the other end of the infirmary, the team turned to see Elizabeth talking with the astronomer. She patted her on the shoulder then made her way to the group around Sheppard's bed.

"Good evening gentlemen." She sat next to Teyla and gave the Athosian a warm look. "How is our patient feeling?"

"Itchy" was the reply followed by a demonstration of scratching around his neck.

Elizabeth gave him a smile and touched his leg gently. "I know Carson is working hard to find a cure for this. Give him some more time."

"We are keeping his mind off his skin by listing his ABCs of injuries." Rodney handed the list to Elizabeth. She gave it a quick look and raised an eyebrow. "Up to P already?"

Teyla and Elizabeth shared a look and a shrug and settled in for the rest of the alphabet.

"Let's see. P is for pinned down, pelted by rocks, and punched many times."

"He was held prisoner and threatened by a poisoned knife," added Ronon.

"Thanks for the reminder big guy. Let's see what you come up with for Q!" Sheppard gave a grin to the other two men and proceeded to dig at his belly.

"Stop scratching John" reminded Elizabeth. He gave her a guilty look, picked up his bag of chips and offered her some.

"I got it covered" smirked Rodney. "You have lost quarts of blood! You would starve Dracula if he ever needed snack around the time of some of your injuries"

Sheppard dropped his chin onto his chest and closed his eyes. With a big sigh he said, "I give up Rodney. You are the master at recording my injuries. Have at it."

Rodney looked around at everyone with a big smile. Ronon rolled onto his back. "I think we just created a monster."

"Let's press on to the letter R. He has been restrained, resuscitated, rescued. His ribs have been cracked and he rolled down a mountain.

S of course means stunned, shot, starved, and sunburned."

"When was I sunburned?"

"When we flew that 302 into the corona of the sun to get rid of that Wraith virus. You wouldn't admit it, but your face was red and peeling like a lobster because of it. Any more questions? I thought not. Next is T."

"I think that transformed into a bug would be enough said"

The group got very still, all immediately immersed in their memories of that time. They had almost lost him to the retrovirus. It had been a devastating time for all of them. Elizabeth looked at her Ranking Military Officer and remembered the alien eyes that had looked back at her and almost begged her to kill him. She was relieved to see his very human hazel eyes look at her and give her a small smile.

"You gonna eat all my chips?"

She let out a small laugh and handed the bag back to him.

"Onward Rodney. Let's get this finished. We are up to U. I remember being underground a few times."

"We can add underwater and unconscious to that list then head on to V. Voltage is what I came up with. I told you not to cross those two wires. You should listen to the genius scientist more often. It was kind of interesting to see you fly through the air though.

W would be wrenched shoulder and Wraith fodder. Then again I think that everyone here would be considered a snack for them. Just most of us have not gotten that close to them."

Sheppard threw his empty chip bag at Rodney. "Keep pissing me off and I will make sure you get close enough."

"Ah yeah, ok then, how about a simple X-ray for X and that Yeti like snow creature that smacked you around on P56-A15 caused quite a few unique injuries will do for Y. Z is the last letter and I can't come up with one for that though"

Rodney looked so disappointed. Everyone concentrated and tried to make something fit the final letter. After a few minutes of silence, except for the quiet sounds of scratching, Sheppard cleared his throat, picked at his bandaged and looked slightly embarrassed.

"Zits."

Everyone looked confused. "When I was a teenager, I had such bad acne I had to go see a dermatologist. It took forever to get my skin cleared of all the zits."

Teyla tried to hide her smile behind her hand and Elizabeth looked away, biting her lower lip, but Rodney started laughing and Ronon pulled a pillow over his head.

"The Kirk of Pegasus Galaxy had bad skin! Oh that is too good. I must publish this book now."

"You do and we will start writing a book just for you—101 Ways to Injure a Genius Scientist."

The whole group began to laugh.

Cecelia looked up from her textbook and wondered what was going on with the command staff. You never knew what was going to happen when they all got together.

Nurse Cherie headed over to the loud group around Sheppard's bed. She had all the materials needed to give him a cool sponge bath. She was glad to see him smile again. It was shame she had to shoo the group out, but it was on his chart to give him a sponge off and she did not think he would want an audience.

As they each prepared to leave, they all gave Sheppard a smile and touch or handshake. Making the list may have been a way to take his mind off his current condition, but it was also a strong reminder to each of them of the many ways he had put himself in danger to keep his friends safe.

Walking out of the infirmary, Elizabeth turned for one last look. John gave her a small wave with one bandaged hand while scratching his shoulder with the other as the curtain was pulled around his bed for privacy. She turned to see Teyla waiting for her. As they headed out to watch the movie marathon, Elizabeth carefully folded the napkins she had taken off the tray and slid them into her pocket. She did not want to ever lose them. He deserved better than that!


End file.
